How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
