I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
