did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
