You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
