3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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