just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
