Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You have to summon your inner elephant
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
