come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
