apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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