I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
