i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
