I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
