i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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