I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
