i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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