he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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