Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
