Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
