dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
