I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
