He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
