you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
