I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
