I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
