she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Randomize
