I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
