i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
