i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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