Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
