Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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