And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
