so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
