my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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