so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
