From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
