I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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