She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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