I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
soo... how was my night?
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