I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
