Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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