Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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