I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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