He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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