I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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