oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
