and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
How does one acquire holy water?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
