At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
