WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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