Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
