oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
even my farts smell like vagina
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
