I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
