After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
