I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
